Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
