she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Two words: nipple clamps
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