He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
