My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
