she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
