Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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