Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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