remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
