First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
