And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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