I'm going to jail i love you
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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