I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
