so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
