she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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