Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
