my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
