He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
