If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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