tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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