Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.