I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
