Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
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If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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