JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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