dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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