I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
