Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
