My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
