I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
