when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
