he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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