when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
