I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
