I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
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Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.