i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
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chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
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Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.