I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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