when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
