this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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