My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
