Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
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Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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