I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
