New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
