i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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