I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
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I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it