I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
