I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
