worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Are we still banned from the library?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
