I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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