I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
