one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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