All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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