He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
