She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
