It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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