Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
