I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
