there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
