Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
