I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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