Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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