I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
