I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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